?

Log in

The paper called me a warrior.

A bad girl. A bad example.

The paper said I smile big - but I curse too much.

And it's true. I do.






(Comment to be added)
I may have just received my third tertiary award, but I also just gave myself a fingercut on the envelope. Thanks, universe, for keeping me humble.

for those playing along at home...

the latest score update is
dog: 3
doggy door: 1.

Tags:

adventures with technology

me *copying podcasts onto usb for friend in hospital*
computer: ETA 4 hours.
me: Are there children somewhere copying the code by hand? Jesus wept.

Soonest Mended - John Ashbery

Soonest Mended

Barely tolerated, living on the margin
In our technological society, we were always having to be rescued
On the brink of destruction, like heroines in Orlando Furioso
Before it was time to start all over again.
There would be thunder in the bushes, a rustling of coils,
And Angelica, in the Ingres painting, was considering
The colorful but small monster near her toe, as though wondering whether forgetting
The whole thing might not, in the end, be the only solution.
And then there always came a time when
Happy Hooligan in his rusted green automobile
Came plowing down the course, just to make sure everything was O.K.,
Only by that time we were in another chapter and confused
About how to receive this latest piece of information.
Was it information? Weren’t we rather acting this out
For someone else’s benefit, thoughts in a mind
With room enough and to spare for our little problems (so they began to seem),
Our daily quandary about food and the rent and bills to be paid?
To reduce all this to a small variant,
To step free at last, minuscule on the gigantic plateau—
This was our ambition: to be small and clear and free.
Alas, the summer’s energy wanes quickly,
A moment and it is gone. And no longer
May we make the necessary arrangements, simple as they are.
Our star was brighter perhaps when it had water in it.
Now there is no question even of that, but only
Of holding on to the hard earth so as not to get thrown off,
With an occasional dream, a vision: a robin flies across
The upper corner of the window, you brush your hair away
And cannot quite see, or a wound will flash
Against the sweet faces of the others, something like:
This is what you wanted to hear, so why
Did you think of listening to something else? We are all talkers
It is true, but underneath the talk lies
The moving and not wanting to be moved, the loose
Meaning, untidy and simple like a threshing floor.
These then were some hazards of the course,
Yet though we knew the course was hazards and nothing else
It was still a shock when, almost a quarter of a century later,
The clarity of the rules dawned on you for the first time.
They were the players, and we who had struggled at the game
Were merely spectators, though subject to its vicissitudes
And moving with it out of the tearful stadium, borne on shoulders, at last.
Night after night this message returns, repeated
In the flickering bulbs of the sky, raised past us, taken away from us,
Yet ours over and over until the end that is past truth,
The being of our sentences, in the climate that fostered them,
Not ours to own, like a book, but to be with, and sometimes
To be without, alone and desperate.
But the fantasy makes it ours, a kind of fence-sitting
Raised to the level of an esthetic ideal. These were moments, years,
Solid with reality, faces, namable events, kisses, heroic acts,
But like the friendly beginning of a geometrical progression
Not too reassuring, as though meaning could be cast aside some day
When it had been outgrown. Better, you said, to stay cowering
Like this in the early lessons, since the promise of learning
Is a delusion, and I agreed, adding that
Tomorrow would alter the sense of what had already been learned,
That the learning process is extended in this way, so that from this standpoint
None of us ever graduates from college,
For time is an emulsion, and probably thinking not to grow up
Is the brightest kind of maturity for us, right now at any rate.
And you see, both of us were right, though nothing
Has somehow come to nothing: the avatars
Of our conforming to the rules and living
Around the home have made—well, in a sense, “good citizens” of us,
Brushing the teeth and all that, and learning to accept
The charity of the hard moments as they are doled out,
For this is action, this not being sure, this careless
Preparing, sowing the seeds crooked in the furrow,
Making ready to forget, and always coming back
To the mooring of starting out, that day so long ago.





(I continue to be a fan)

Tags:

Drive by post

Letting anyone still out there know that I am alive, I'm much happier, I wangled myself a seriously cool job that I am now rocking the pants off, and I'm about to move house and have my life become less complicated again. While also gaining access to a seriously nice place, my puppies, and some excellent gym equipment.

I'm going to try and be around here more in the future. I've missed lj, there's a place in my life it filled fo a long long time.

Additional Booklist, 2013

Read List, 2013

1. My Brilliant Career – M Franklin
2. Painter of Silence – G Harding
3. Truth – Peter Temple
4. Half Blood Blues – E Edugyan
5. The Economics of Happiness – M Anielski
6. Pump Six and Other Stories – P Baciagalupi
7. In Defence of Food – M Pollan
8. Caleb’s Crossing – G Brooks
9. Food, Inc. – various
10. The Forgotten Waltz – A Enright
11. The Cat’s Table – M Ondaatje
12. The Third Chimpanzee – J Diamond
13. Mother Tongue – B Bryson
14. Fieldwork – M Berlinski
15. All That I Am – A Funder
16. The Folding Knife – KJ Parker
17. Horse Heaven – J Smiley
18. The Alchemy of Stone – E Sedia
19. Bille Morgan – J Denby
20. The Dancers Dancing – E Dhuibhne
21. Perfect Shadow – B Weeks
22. Buddha Da – Anne Donovan
23. The Snow Child – E Ivey
24. The Sense of an Ending – J Barnes
25. Gears of a Mad God – B Nichols
26. The Mammoth Book of Steampunk – Various
27. Mutants – AM Leroi
28. The Legend of Beka Cooper, Terrier – T Pearce
29. Generations – H Mackay
30. One of Our Thursdays is Missing – J Fforde
31. The Woman Who Died a Lot – J FForde
32. The Song of the Quarkbeast – J Fforde
33. The Black Prism – B Weekes
34. Dissolution – CJ Sanssom
35. The Final Empire – B Sanderson
36. Blood of Dragons – R Hobb
37. A Child’s Book of True Crime – C Hooper
38. The Knife of Never Letting Go – P Ness
39. Sputnik Sweetheart – H Murakami
40. Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom – C Doctorow


If you want to up your reading count for the year, I recommend unemployment...

Tags:

Initial Booklist, 2013

As per usual, feel free to ask questions or for recommendations.

Read List, 2013

1. My Brilliant Career – M Franklin
2. Painter of Silence – G Harding
3. Truth – P Temple
4. Half Blood Blues – E Edugyan
5. The Economics of Happiness – M Anielski
6. Pump Six and Other Stories – P Baciagalupi
7. In Defence of Food – M Pollan
8. Caleb’s Crossing – G Brooks
9. Food, Inc. – various
10. The Forgotten Waltz – A Enright
11. The Cat’s Table – M Ondaatje
12. The Third Chimpanzee – J Diamond
13. Mother Tongue – B Bryson
14. Fieldwork – M Berlinski
15. All That I Am – A Funder
16. The Folding Knife – KJ Parker
17. Horse Heaven – J Smiley
18. The Alchemy of Stone – E Sedia
19. Bille Morgan – J Denby
20. The Dancers Dancing – E Dhuibhne
21. Perfect Shadow – B Weeks
22. Buddha Da – Anne Donovan
23. The Snow Child – E Ivey
24. The Sense of an Ending – J Barnes
25. Gears of a Mad God – B Nichols
26. The Mammoth Book of Steampunk – Various
27. Mutants – AM Leroi

Tags:

Thailand

Hey all,

Would you believe I'm in Thailand? Chiang Mai to be exact. Been to Bangkok and didn't like it, but Chiang Mai is more my speed. I say this not only because I just bought hair clips with painted macaroni and a pair of onitsuka tigers for $33, bit because it's more laidback than Bangkok, slightly cooler, and has fewer fucking douchebags. Actually I haven't run across any here, and there were plenty in BK.

We have had the most amazing week - Kerry and Mike and I. I feel blessed to have the kind of friends to whom I can say "let's go to Thailand" and we do it on three weeks notice. Well, Mike and I had been talking about it since October. Kerry came.aboard rather last minute. But it has all been great travelling together. It makes things cheaper, and they're
both low.demand people - happy to be quiet and ignored, or involved and rambunctious, as the day calls for.

The plan was to come and see how much I liked Thailand and whether I would want to come and live and teach English here. The short answer is I have doubts - it's the nominal cool season and it's been thirty six degrees Celsius every day. I get faint in that kind of weather. In fact I got faint twice today. So maybe I need to reconsider my location. But I would still like to go away and teach somewhere. I have come to truly enjoy teaching. Environmental issues in particular. But it's so rewarding seeing something click for a student when she finally gets it.

Tigers and elephants and hedgehogs. All these things in Thailand. And would tu believe I got in a cage with tigers? I am ballsier than I ever knew.

2012 Booklist, almost final

This list is pretty badly out of order this year, as I kept forgetting to update my list until long after the fact. Oh well, it's done now. I might add a few more titles tomorrow, I can't find my notebook right now.

1. Distress, Greg Egan
2. Naamah’s Curse, Jacqueline Carey
3. When We Were Bad, Charlotte Mendelson
4. Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman
5. The Betrayal, Helen Dunmore
6. The Last Hundred Days, Patrick McGuinness
7. Wolf Hall, Hilary Mantel
8. Liars and Saints, Maile Meloy
9. At Home, Bill Bryson
10. Snowbound, Cari Hunter
11. Purple Hibiscus, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
12. Ice Road, Gillian Slovo
13. Beyond Black, Hilary Mantel
14. A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, Xiaolu Guo
15. The Wind-Up Girl, Paolo Baciagalupi
16. The VeryThought of You, Rosie Alison
17. Autumn Laing, Alex Miller
18. The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides
19. The Sending, Isobelle Carmody
20. Songs of Love and Death, edited by George RR Martin
21. The Passion, Jeanette Wintersson
22. Gut Symmetries, Jeanette Wintersson
23. The Heroes, Joe Abercrombie
24. Chasm City, Alistair Reynolds
25. City of Dragons, Robin Hobb
26. Naamah's Blessing, Jacqueline Carey
27. Riley Parra Season 1, Geonn Cannon
28. Riley Parra Season 2, Geonn Cannon
29. When Women Were Warriora, Cathrine M Wilson
30. Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? Jeanette Wintersson
31. The Tiger's Wife, Tea Obrecht
32. Grace Williams Says it Loud, Emma Henderson
33. The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan
34. Black Water Rising, Attica Locke
35. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Barbara Kingsolver
36. The Memory of Love, Aminatta Forna
37. A Gate at the Stairs, Monique Roffey
38. The White Woman on the Green Bicycle, Monique Roffey
39. Redemption Ark, Alistair Reynolds
40. Pushing Ice, Alistair Reynolds
41. The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller
42. Foreign Bodies, Cynthia Oziak
43. Ape House, Sara Gruen
44. The Legend of Little Fur, Isobelle Carmody
45. A Fox Called Sorrow, Isobelle Carmody
44. Lionheart, Sharon Penman
45. The Heroes, Joe Abercrombie
46. Chasm City, Alistair Reynolds
47. The Accidental, Ali Smith
48. The History of Love, Nicole Krauss
49. Bring up the Bodies, Hilary Mantel
50. A Change of Climate, Hilary Mantel
51. Astray, Emma Donoghue
52. Girls Meets Boy, Ali Smith
53. The Spare Room, Helen Garner
54. Property, Valerie Martin
55. Fevre Dream, George RR Martin
56. Diamond Dogs, Turquoise Days, Alistair Reynolds
57. The Penelopiad, Margaret Atwood
58. Snuff, Terry Pratchett
59. Animal Dreams, Barbara Kingsolver
60. Dark Currents, Jacqueline Carey
61. House of Suns, Alistair Reynolds
62. 2312, Kim Stanley Robinson
63. Old Filth, Jane Gardam
64. The Prefect, Alistair Reynolds
65. Blue Remembered Earth, Alistair Reynolds
66. A Mystery of Wolves, Isobelle Carmody
67. A Riddle of Green, Isobelle Carmody


Somewhat behind the last few years, but that's not a big deal. First books for this year are Miles Franklin, My Brilliant Career, and The Economics of Happiness.

2013 Plans

So I kind of suck at resolutions, but this year I want to -

1. Run 5 km in 30 minutes.
1.1 Accordingly, run 6 minute kms consistently.
1.2 Run the entire Bay Run. I'm getting closer!
2. Complete a fun run, actually running the whole way.
3. Get to a point where I am comfortably swimming 2 km.
4. Complete an ocean swim.
5. Regularly exercise at least four times a week. Let's be serious, I'm happier and healthier and in less pain when I do.

6. Get a new job.
7. Travel overseas twice. The same country is okay!
7.1 I'm going to Thailand next month!
8. Get to 56 kg and stay there. I'm only a kg and a half off, but that last bit is proving psychologically difficult to move. It seems to matter less.
9. Go out dancing more! Went to Hellfire last month and had a hell of an awesome time.
10. Read ten non fiction books.

11. Go and see at least five plays.
12. Learn new recipes.
12.1 Eat more kale
12.2 Perfect my garlic soy chinese eggplant.
13. Continue eating better - more fruit and veg, more protein, fewer carbs.
14. Continue my enviro blog.
15. Keep building good relationships.
15.1 See more of the friends I've had longer but see less.

16. Attend Green Drinks at least four times.
16.1 Stay inspired!
17. Keep in touch with Permaculture type people.
18. Hold another clothing swap
19. Have another green meet-up... not sure what yet.
20. Be kinder to myself.

Soonest Mended / John Ashbery

Barely tolerated, living on the margin
In our technological society, we were always having to be rescued
On the brink of destruction, like heroines in Orlando Furioso
Before it was time to start all over again.
Read more...Collapse )

Weekend achievements

- Attended work party instead of staying home to play video games (even though I have a REALLY GOOD new one)
- Did not insult anyone.
- Did not become inappropriately drunk.
- Ordered cocktails I would never normally drink.
- Took a girl I'd just met on a bushwalk somewhere miles from anywhere.
- Proceeded to get lost with said girl on hike.
- She did not panic.
- Neither did I. And she will hang out with me again!
- Even though we got worryingly close to a poisonous snake before seeing it. Whoops.
- Saw two goannas! A juvenile and a young adult.
- Tore shorts on giant rock. Effectively destroyed favourite shorts, but in a truly hardcore manner.
- Acquired new free shorts! From a girl on a permaculture farm down in Camden.
- Drove down to Camden and only got lost on the last little bit. Give me a break, it's a long way.
- Learnt to make chilli spray (for plants), green tomato relish, and dolmades!
- Swam in river, did not shriek when climbed on by spiders.
- Saw water dragons! Very cool.
- Wrote two new blog posts.
- Made my own basil and rocket pesto and spinach pie, using all vegetables from my garden!
- Gave veggie tour of my garden.
- Dad told me my parents are proud of me for the broadness of my interests and the way which I have a "full life", even being single and having a crappity crap crap job.

from the naptimes of pups

My doggy was lying on his side on the floor yesterday, having a nap, but also watching me. He'd been for a walk in the morning, come back and had a huuuuge slurp of water from the pond, sniffed around a bit, then ignored his bed to come and lie on the floor, legs splayed, where he could watch me. And nap. And be perfectly happy.

Jed hasn't had a great life. He spent his first year in a shelter, sharing a space with three ohter dogs. As a result, he's more doggy than our other dog Cara. He scratches and sniffs and licks his balls and chases tennis balls and birds and barks at the neighbor's labrador, who liked to stand on the upper balcony and stare down at Jed in bewilderment. Because he grew up in a shelter with limited human contact, he's also quite insecure. When I took him to the park the other day, he didn't want to get in my car. He hasn't been in it before, and I think he wasn't sure if he would be coming back. He also isn't great at commands and I think he's only recently learned his name.

But despite all of those things, all it took to make Jed happy - following his adoption by my parents, that is, and the dedication of a lot of love and patience to ensure he felt safe - was a big walk on a sunny day, a big slurp of water, and some comfy carpet. And one of his people nearby. And I can't help feeling like there's a lot to learn from that. Imagine if that was all it took to make me happy. Jed has more reasons to be insecure or unhappy about his life, but he can let them go. Me? A big long walk and a nap can make me happy too - but I also need to be clean and comfortable and entertained, and then that's only the beginning.

Imagine being able to walk away from former troubles that way. Not always, just occasionally. How wonderfully simple life could be.
Also, yeah, single again because my girlfriend was a high maintenance insecure PAIN IN MY ASS who made herself feel better by putting me down in front of her friends. And my friends. And sometimes putting my friends down too. It was awesome. Who doesn't want to date a girl who's so insecure she wears a full face of make up to the gym? Je-sus.
1. Distress, Greg Egan
2. Naamah’s Curse, Jacqueline Carey
3. When We Were Bad, Charlotte Mendelson
4. Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman
5. The Betrayal, Helen Dunmore
6. The Last Hundred Days, Patrick McGuinness
7. Wolf Hall, Hilary Mantel
8. Liars and Saints, Maile Meloy
9. At Home, Bill Bryson
10. Snowbound, Cari Hunter
11. Purple Hibiscus, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
12. Ice Road, Gillian Slovo
13. Beyond Black, Hilary Mantel
14. A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers, Xiaolu Guo
15. The Wind-Up Girl, Paolo Baciagalupi
16. The VeryThought of You, Rosie Alison
17. Autumn Laing, Alex Miller
18. The Marriage Plot, Jeffrey Eugenides
19. The Sending, Isobelle Carmody
20. Songs of Love and Death, edited by George RR Martin
21. The Passion, Jeanette Wintersson
22. Gut Symmetries, Jeanette Wintersson
23. The Heroes, Joe Abercrombie
24. Chasm City, Alistair Reynolds
25. City of Dragons, Robin Hobb
26. Naamah's Blessing, Jacqueline Carey
27. Riley Parra Season 1, Geonn Cannon
28. Riley Parra Season 2, Geonn Cannon
29. When Women Were Warriora, Cathrine M Wilson
30. Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? Jeanette Wintersson
31. The Tiger's Wife, Tea Obrecht
32. Grace Williams Says it Loud, Emma Henderson
33. The Omnivore's Dilemma, Michael Pollan
34. Black Water Rising, Attica Locke
35. Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, Barbara Kingsolver
36. The Memory of Love, Aminatta Forna
37. A Gate at the Stairs,
38. The White Woman on the Green Bicycle, Monique Roffey
39. Redemption Ark, Alistair Reynolds
40. Pushing Ice, Alistair Reynolds
41. The Song of Achille, Madeline Miller
42. Foreign Bodies, Cynthia Oziak
43. Ape House, Sara Gruen
44. The Legend of Little Fur, Isobelle Carmody
45. A Fox Called Sorrow, Isobelle Carmody
44. Lionheart, Sharon Penman

I'm a long way behind where I was last year. But hey, that's what happens when your depression and brain chemistry fuck up your memory! I also listened to a lot of podcasts and learned to crochet, and teach, so that's probably fair on balance.

Tags:

"Feminism is the acknowledgement of the persistence of women as the second sex. Feminism is the struggle for both men and women, queer, straight, trans or other to abolish the sex gender system and instill equality in every aspect of our existence. It is also sensitivity to all corruption, environmental, racism, classism etc. It is solidarity. Feminism is an important word to embrace. I meet people who scoff at Feminism, buying into the thinking that it is a ‘man-hating-agenda’. This is just a boring hate tactic marketed by the media! We have to acknowledge our sisters that have gone before us, we have to evolve with the changing world to free all people. Feminism has evolved by taking on many varying (some argue conflicting) forms, the best thing about Feminism is, that in it’s truest form it celebrates and embraces difference."

-Emma Maye Gibson

fantasies and daydreams

When I was a teenager, before I ever had a serious girlfriend, I used to wake up in the mornings and sleepily daydream of cuddling up to my partner.

Now I'm a grown up, I have a lot of other daydreams, other fantasies of my girlfriend. Some are pretty R rated. But this morning I woke up daydreaming about cuddling, spooning with someone who loves me. And maybe that means in some ways I never grew up, that all I really want, even now, is someone's unconditional love to protect me.

Or maybe it means that that's what love is. All the romance novels and crappy movies, all the money and stupid gestures and cliches about making love, even the awesome sex, maybe they're not so important. Maybe what's important is wanting to cuddle up to someone you love, feeling safe with them, and talk, or not talk, whatever you want, and just be together in your togetherness.

Without feeling like there's always expectation and pressure to move onto the next thing, like I always do in life. No, now I finally feel like I'm figuring out what it's all about. Little things. Little things are the big things, really.

personal growth

In some ways, and probably from the outside, I'm the same person I was a year ago. In others, I don't know. Maybe from the outside I seem to be the same girl I always have been - cynical, smart mouthed, kind hearted but somewhat prickly, smart, somewhat sad. But in others... I feel like I'm a totally different person froma year ago, perhaps exemplified best by my recognising here that I've always, or at least often, been a sad person. I don't feel great about the world, I don't think there's much to feel great about. And in recognising that, in letting myself be honest about that - maybe that's where it's most obvious that I am differet. That I look at myself some days and wonder who the hell this woman is.

Some stuff is the same. The obvious things, the value things. I'm still a vego, still a greenie, still love literature. But I'm less passionate about all of those things. I'm less passionate about almost everything - this is one of the effects of depression; feeling like much of my life happens on the other side of a pane of glass. Some days it's thin glass and I can hear through. Some days it's thick and I don't give a shit about anything, although those are getting fewer and fewer. And some days the world is a big exciting action movie, and the fact that I am not actively involved is almost irrelevant, because I can cheer on the Avengers with the best of them (and my, Scarlett Johansson looks fine in that catsuit).

I have trouble concentrating, still. I have a lot of short term memory problems that are getting worse, that I loathe. I'm trying memory tricks, putting my keys in the same place, remembering I only need five items at the shops. Making a list - although that only works if my memory works for long enough to BRING the list (yes, that happened, I laughed). I take pills to keep me coping and I sleep like the dead, a lot. I find it hard to be motivated.

But I'm kinder. I'm less judgemental. I read less, but maybe think about it more. I have better friends. I'm a better cook. I eat better. I have a garden, and I'm becoming a better gardener all the time. I'm more active, in that I tend to act on the things I care about more often - whether that's setting up a verge garden as an exercise in community garden, or putting a note on someone's car telling them to learn to park (they have since improved). I'm more active in that I try to actually address my problems, whether that's my back pain, my migraines, or my mental health.

My Dad called earlier. We talked about a lot of things, but he told me he's proud of me for not taking a standard route, for resisting the pressure to follow the usual path. Because there's a lot of pressure to act like everyone else, and then you end up the same as everyone else. And he thinks I want more than that. And he's right, I do. I want life balance. I want self expression. I want some capacity to be a healthy human being, not just some other fucking consumer in this bullshit capitalist society. I want some freedom of choice, some options, to not spend my life in a cubicle making money for someone else, pursuing someone else's dreams, and trying to keep up with the imaginary Joneses. I don't give a fuck about the Joneses, I don't even watch tv so I don't see why I should buy a bigger one, and god knows I don't need a new car.

I get to do other things, try other things. I get to try and grow my own food, and to learn to crochet, and to make clothes. I drove across my state, by myself, in a day. It was fucking hardcore and hectic and tiring and I could barely talk at the end of it, but I did it, by myself, and I was safe and I was damn impressed with myself. I bought a tree, and I trespassed and came home with a bag of macadamias and another of oranges, and I have no guilt about either. I get to pursue this, now. Urban guerilla gardening and harvesting. Whole foods. Organic gardening and strawberry plants that wish to take over the world.

I get to decorate my house with butterfly stickers and make cupcakes that are so attractive people think they're store bought. I get new career options within my current role, doing promotional writing for my company. I get to be very femme. And I get to take pilates and yoga classes and sweat it out in trackpants. Stuff I would never have done.

I think I'm growing up, finally, for real. I've always been mature, but now I'm taking on adult interests and cares. And I think I'm doing all of that and still holding onto the things that actually matter to me. God knows I wouldn't have been able to do this a year ago.

So thanks. Thanks for my freedom. Without it, I would have been far less of a person. And I would have liked myself a lot less.

The other thing

I'm seeing someone, and she's clever and funny and generous and a bloody Amazon with legs up to here and it's ridiculous and wonderful and scary and unexpected and incredibly distracting and fantastic, all at the one time.

And oh my god, how did this even happen? I wasn't even looking any more, I'd gotten tired of the whole thing and wanted some time to myself and it did and I'm just. Gosh. Wow.

Jul. 21st, 2012

Oh, asofterworld. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I shouldn't laugh at you.

All hilarity aside...

... I can't find the diary that's meant to help me remember things. I seriously have no idea where I put it.

Oh, stop laughing, douchebags.

Tags:

oh my god, dizzy and sick and whoooaaa

Whoa. Have had something flu-y since tuesday, and thought I was getting better, but ye gods, I've gone backwards today. Getting out of bed was a mission, then I felt okay, took a friend to the airport, had coffee with my mother, and bought basic groceries... then came home, lay on the couch, and slept for three hours (with periodic wake-ups because I was cold). Haven't got off the couch since 1 pm, except long enough to pee and make toast. And I got very, very dizzy doing even that, which tbh freaked me out.

This is what tipped me off to being quite sick, rather than somewhat sick, btw. The world doesn't normally wobble around quite that much, ever for me.

Meanwhile, research into e-book genres, downloading a lot of apps so as to actually make use of my android phone rather than use it cruise fanfiction and facebook (ugh, so boring and wasteful), and catching up on some Google Reader syndication... vegan lime pie sounds amazing. When I can get off the couch again, we're making this happen.

Other stuff. The lovely Kerry has flown off to New York and Iceland today, and I miss her something fierce already. Flatmate Bevan leaves for New Zealand in the morning, and I'll be house sitting the lovely Ellen's cat next week. He's a mini mini kitty called Merlot and he's beautiful and rather likes me. I'm interested that cats mostly seem to like me, although they generally make me uncomfortable (I grew up in a house of folks allergic to cats, and the one cat I did know had official brain damage and was prone to violent mood swings).

Lovely Ellen has just moved house and now lives close to where I used to live for eighteen years, with lemon, lime, and grapefruit trees in the backyard. I'm wildly jealous. I want a citrus tree so badly. I may eventually give in and buy myself a double grafted citrus dwarf. I WANT ONE SO BAD. I'm also going to buy raspberry canes in the next few weeks for planting in the backyard, for raspberries next year. Yeah, I'm not moving anywhere. I like it here. I don't care who I start dating, I'm not going to be ready to live with a partner again for a long time - and until that date, I'm not going anywhere (among other things, the idea of having to move all of my books again gives me nightmares).

Going to Byron Bay next month for some time writing. And if anyone has ideas for lesbian fiction novels, I'm happy to hear them. Provided you don't expect either one of us to make money off of them.

Still in love with my nose piercing. But I want to go swimming again, now, please.

The secret is, it's never about you.

You know, I was raised in this generation where we supposedly can do anything we put our minds to. Ignoring, momentarily, whether that's a good thing or not, the truth of it is that it's bullshit. There are so many things in our lives that we have no goddamned control over at all, and a lot of them will be responsible for making sure we don't achieve things that should be easy as taking candy from a baby.

My school raised us to be the leaders of the future. We were meant to be ready to face every challenge, stand up against the tide, be leaders. That's all well and good if people are looking for leaders. If, however, there are an overabundance of 'leaders' whose primary skill seems to be trying to out-shout each other in a crowded room, this is a pointless and frustrating skill set.

I never wanted to be a leader, though. I just wanted to be a bit better than average. I had the IQ and skillset for it, god knows I still do. I'm very good at my job. I've been very good at every job I have ever had. I managed to get a job in the middle of the financial crisis, so clearly I am doing something right.

It's a pity I can't stabd my job, never liked the field it's in, and can't seem to catch enough of a break to get another one. And that's nothing to do with me. That's the economy. That's the fact that confidence is crashing into the ocean like an eroding cliffline. That's hesitance about hiring. That's the way that people with five and ten years experience are applying for graduate roles, that it's an employer's market well and truly.

I interviewed for a job recently. They turned me down yesterday, not because I didn't hit every single one of the criteria already, but because the other candidates had more recent relevant experience. Not MORE relevant experience - simply more recent. They were sure my skill set would transfer. They thought I seemed like a great person. But 150 applied for the job, and I was one of 12 who got interviewed. Even with a tick in every damn box, the odds were against me.

So you know what? You can't achieve everything you set your mind to. Because some of that stuff is completely beyond your control.

However, if you don't like the game, there's always an option of not playing. And me? I don't think I want to be an environmental scientist any more. And now there's a whole world of other possibilities out there for me.

Tags:

Jun. 14th, 2012

I don't think I want to be an environmental scientist any more.

day one of the revolution

I go to yoga because it helps my health, my pain issues, and my desire to not hate everyone and everything.

Really it's pretty impressive for achieving that much.

Today I went to yoga and started what's called the Forty Day Revolution. You sign up, pay them a bunch of money, and then go to yoga every day for six weeks and have them brainwash you into being happier and healthier. I'm for this. And I went to youga and left feeling better than I did on arrival, when I hated everyone, everything, the world, my job, and myself. I feel better now.

But I still wish being at work didn't make me hate myself. Especially on the first day of my 'personal revolution'. Hey, maybe it just shows you how much I need it.

Why be happy when you could be normal?

Saw Jeanette Winterson talk last night, read exerpts from her memoir, tell stories about travel and her life. She was frankly the most inspiring thing I've heard in months. Her background was totally messed up, her adopted mother was a religion obsessed abusive headcase, and she was kicked out of home at sixteen for falling in love with another girl.

And she published her first novel at twenty five, speaks about art as being human, won more awards than I can shake a stick at and stands on stage and chats with you like some combination of your best friend and a tent preacher. She makes me want to read Shakespeare and write novels about internal conflict and the irreducible complexity of emotions.

And recite Alix Olsen and Ani Difranco. That's my default political stance.

I sing sometimes like my life is at stake / 'cause you're only as loud as the noises you make / I'm learning to laugh just as hard as I can listen / 'cause silence is violence in women and poor people / if more people were screaming then I could relax / but a good brain ain't worth diddly if you don't have the / facts.

(I sing sometimes, for the war that I fight / 'cause every tool is a weapon if you hold it right)

society, normality, perception

“The worlds created by the human imagination are far more coherent and structured than the real social systems in which we live, and the mental constructs by which we make sense of society are only loosely related (sometimes inversely) to what is really going on. We take these conventional views of our social system as matter-of-fact, true representations of social reality, but they are socially constructed realities, human artifices whose purpose is to perpetuate society, not clarify it.”

— Robert Murphy, The Body Silent, p 30

gacked from grandmasmulders.tumblr.com



SARA: Michael, tell me something. You think there’s a part of you that enjoys this?
MICHAEL: Peroxide in an open wound? No.
SARA: I mean escaping from prison and being on the run and the danger and the fear and the rush and all that. It, uh... it feels to me like chasing a high. And… and I know what that’s like and... I should know better by now.
MICHAEL: I never thought about it like that.

Prison Break, 2x10 Rendezvous

Tags:

excerpt from Tin Roof -- Michael Ondaatje

You stand still for three days
for a piece of wisdom
and everything falls to the right place

or wrong place

You speak
don't know whether
seraph or bitch
flutters at your heart

and look through windows
for cue cards
blazing in the sky.
The solution.
This last year I was sure
I was going to die

Tags:

Profile

Juno. Oh come on.
georgiaclaire
drawing pictures in invisible ink
georgiaclaire's haven

Latest Month

July 2014
S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com